Things I am No Longer Allowed to Do
by Cheshire Cats Grin
Summary: With a very vivid imagination, comes a mind that is the Devil's playground, and a girl who defers to the delirium of it all. This is her list. The insanity is only just beginning. FUN, FAST & EASY, PLEASE READ
1. At Hogwarts

**Disclaimer: **The world of Harry Potter in no way belongs to me or my own, not that I have my own, the saying just sounds pretty good. I also do not own the idea of this list, the format and many of the acts came from 'Skippy's List: 213 Things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S Army.' Seriously recommend checking it out, very good. So now we all know that all I've done is merge two ideas that were already finished.

**Gemini's List**

This is a list of things I have done at Hogwarts and been forbidden from doing again, as to explain why I have not been expelled, well I do believe the Headmaster is humouring me, or maybe I am humouring him, either or.

**97 Things I am no longer allowed to do at Hogwarts**

1. I am no longer allowed to ghost Snape as he walks through the halls

2. I am no longer allowed to ghost Snape as he walks through the halls, even if other teachers and students join in and Snape doesn't notice

3. I am no longer allowed to call Snape, 'Snape'

4.I am no longer allowed to call Snape, 'The Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse.'

5. I am no longer allowed to call Professor Snape anything but Professor Snape, unless we are having a serious romantic relationship that nobody knows about, in which case 'Sevvie' is allowed.(Professor Dumbledore said so.)

6. I am no longer allowed to be a delusional, idiotic girl with no sense of reality, who imagines relationships that aren't there

7. I am never allowed to call Professor Snape anything but that

8. I am no longer allowed to walk a step behind Professor Snape with a clipboard, taking notes on how to act like Professor Snape

9. I am no longer allowed to imitate Professor Snape so well that I send students cowering before they see my face

10. I am no longer allowed to imitate Professor Snape at all, especially if I do it so poorly that even Professor Snape sends kids into hysterics when he walks into a room.

11. I am no longer allowed to sneak into Draco Malfoy's Head Boy room, tie him up while he's asleep and convince him I am a wood nymph.

12. I am no longer allowed to sneak into Draco Malfoy's Head Boy room, tie him up while he's asleep and then convince him I am Hermione here to fulfill his fantasies

13. I am no longer allowed to sneak into Hermione Granger's Head Girl room, tie her up while she's asleep and convince her I am a water nymph.

14. I am no longer allowed to randomly pull Blaise Zabini into spontaneous make-out sessions during the day

15. I am no longer allowed to randomly pull Blaise Zabini into spontaneous make-out sessions, even if it's not during the day and even if he likes it

16. Not allowed to add "In accordance with the prophecy" to the end of answers I give to a question a teacher asks me.

17. I am not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on school time

18. I am not allowed to let flobberworms take responsibility for any of my actions

19. Not allowed to let flobberworms take my detentions

20. Not allowed to chew chewies in class, unless I brought enough for everybody

21. Not allowed to chew chewies in class, even if I did bring enough for everybody

22. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The muggle World-War II)

23. I am not allowed to ask for the day off due to divine purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once

24. I am not authorized to fire Headmasters

25. I am not allowed to give the Sorting Hat muggle songs to listen to that influence his annual singing choice.

26. I am not allowed to convince the sorting hat that Slytherin is Gryffindor, Gryffindor is Ravenclaw, Ravenclaw is Hufflepuff and Hufflepuff is Slytherin.

27. I am not allowed within speaking distance of the Sorting Hat, AKA Alfred.

28.I may not use the public masturbation of a confounded Ron Weasley as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a school rule.

29. I am not allowed to trade my witches hat for "magic beans" from a muggle

30. I am not allowed to sell magic beans during school transfiguration

31. I am no longer allowed to respond to a teacher's order with "Why?"

32. I am not allowed to use the following words and phrases in a motivational song-Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this school and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Ravenclaws are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Cenataurian hooker, we've all got the Philosopher's stone now, slut puppy, or any references to the giant squid.

33. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Professor McGonagall.

34. "The Giant Space Ants" are not at the top of the Dark Lord's chain of command, even if the Quibbler says so.

35. There are no evil clowns living under my bed

36. I am no longer allowed to have make-out sessions in the Great Hall, with the best looking guys in other houses, under the guise of promoting house unity.

37. The Head Dormitories is not my pimping spot for House Elves

38. I cannot set up romantic dates between McGonagall and Dumbledore

39. Because Dumbledore is gay

40. I am not allowed to set up romantic dates between Dumbledore and the Bloody Baron, Peeves gets jealous.

41. I am not allowed to wear a helmet lined with tin foil to "Block out the space mind control lasers."

42. I am not allowed to pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper who was fired from the Dark Side and took up a job as a suit of armor at Hogwarts.

43. I am not allowed to sing "Henry the VIII I am" until verse 68 ever again.

44. I may not conduct psychological experiments on my teachers, especially Professor Snape.

45. I may not bring a drag queen to the Halloween Ball.

46. I am not allowed to form a press gang and hound Harry Potter, even if the Daily Prophet does.

47. Must not use the Whomping Willow, who I nicknamed Chuck, to "Squish" things.

49. If the thought of doing something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

50. Must not refer to Professor Dumbledore as "Mom"

51. Must not refer to The Dark Lord Voldemort as "Dad".

52. Inflatable Harry Potters do _not_ need to be displayed during my bi-monthly item confiscation

53. I am not authorized to initiate new Death Eater's on the Quidditch Pitch

54. Crucifixes do not ward off Professor Snapes, and I should not test that.

55. I am not the Dark Lord in need of a more suitable host body

56. Vodka, green food colouring, and a 'Cool Mint' Listerine® bottle is not a good combination, especially during Defense class when recommending it for the Professor Snape.

57. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off anyone below their second year.

59. I am not allowed to trade my wand for any of the following: Cigarettes, firewhiskey, sexual favors, small children or the password to the Head Dormitories.

60. Smoking is banned at school

61. I am always allowed to smoke around Filch because he doesn't know where he can get a cigarette stash of his own from, I just won't be allowed to take them with me when I leave.

62. Smoking is banned.

63. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Ravenclaw about anything.

64. At the unofficial Slytherin common room party, two drink limit does not mean first and last

65. At the unofficial Ravenclaw common room party, two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks

66. At the unofficial Gryffindor common room party, two-drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

67. "I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question posed by Professor Sprout.

68. No, the wand is not optional.

69. Selling self-written Kama Sutra books, featuring Hogwarts residents giving demonstrations in photos is officially banned.

70. Should not show up at the front gate wearing the Death Eater garb, messily drunk

71. Even if my Professor did it.

72. The Prefect's bathroom is not a place to have a "Satanic Orgy" with which members of each house is present.

73. Despite it being made to fulfill my every want, I am not allowed to use the Room of Requirement to produce 300 Spartans for me to ravish.

74. Even if I do bring enough for everyone.

75. I am not allowed to threaten suicide with Butterbeer and Bertie Bots Every-Flavoured Beans.

76. In a Quidditch match, a wedgie is not considered a legal move.

77. The proper way to greet the Headmaster when taken to his office is "Hello Headmaster, you wanted to see me." Not "You can't prove a thing!"

78. I am no longer allowed to perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.

79. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

80. I am not allowed to make up gossip about a boy cheating on me, us Hufflepuffs get scary.

81. Slytherins do not hibernate in winter.

82. The house-elf revolution is not now, even if Hermione says so.

83. Past lives have absolutely no effect on who has the authority in the school.

84. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

85. "A full magazine and some privacy" is not the way to help deal with Harry Potter's potential suicide.

86. I am not "A gay trapped in a woman's body."

87. When transfiguring in Transfiguration I am not allowed to attempt something "I saw in a cartoon."

88. My name is not a killing spell.

89. I am not the Empress of anything.

90. May not challenge Gryffindors to "Meet me on the field of Honor, at dawn."

91. I am not allowed to slap people with gloves, even if it will make the world a better place.

92. Do not dare Gryffindors to drink Neville's failed potions. They will always do it.

93. I am not allowed to make s'mores while doing detention.

94. The proper response to a lesson in the laws of magic is not, "That's what you think."

95. I am not allowed to take incriminating photos of the Headmaster.

96. I am not allowed to use a self-created branch of magic to create incriminating photos of the Headmaster.

97. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying Crumple Horned Snorkacks" is a bad career choice.


	2. In The Dark Lord's Service

**Disclaimer** I own Nada, zing, nothing. I am just a poor person with no imagination who rips off J.K. Rowling and Skippy's List.

**Gemini's List**

This is a list of things I have done whilst in the Dark Lord's and been forbidden from doing again, as to explain why I have not been killed, well I do believe I am irreplaceable, and I'm just that good.

**97 Things I am no Longer Allowed to Do in The Dark Lord's Service**

1. Not allowed to threaten anyone with voodoo magic.

2. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of voodoo magic by asking for hair.

3. Not allowed to add pictures of Death Eaters I don't like to Wanted Posters.

4. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on 'raid' time.

5. Not allowed to join the rebellion party.

6. Not allowed to for any rebellion party.

7. Not allowed out of the dungeons when the Dark Lord is negotiating alliances with Vampires.

8. Must change my hair colour even if it tampers with my 'Lockhart like powers'.

9. Am no longer allowed to perform my now (in)famous "Sweet Transvestite" while on duty.

10. May not call any Dark Lords members immoral, untrustworthy, lying, immortal, slime, even if I'm right.

11. Must not taunt the werewolves any more.

12. Must attempt to not antagonize the Inner Circle.

13. Must never call an Inner Circle member a "Wanker".

14. Must never asks anyone who outranks me (in kills) if they've been drinking Amortentia (love potion).

15. Must not tell any of the Inner Circle that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.

16. Must never a werewolf with a vampire.

17. Never tell a veteran Auror (Moody) that "We kicked you're ass in the First War!"

18. Do not change a Death Eater's wand for one of Gred & Forge's Fake wands ( even if they don't know how to use one).

19. The Irish representatives are not after "Me frosted lucky charms."

20. Not allowed to wake Newbies by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

21. Still can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. ( The Grindelwald war is not over)

22. Our healer is called "Sir Caudle" not "Dr. Touchy-Feely"

23. Not allowed to use Bellatrix's 'two great personalities' to appeal to mans' baser instincts in recruitment posters.

24. Bright pink robes and a butterfly mask is not the Death Eater garb.

25. I am not allowed to "Go to Knockturn and shake mummy's little money maker for twenties stuffed in my undies.

26. I am not authorized to 'woo' avid Light supporters to the Dark side, they're too stubborn.

27. I am not allowed to yell "Take that Nagini" when I fire random curses at Newbies

28. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my unit's Inner Circle leader.

29. May not hold muggles hostage while saying "Take me to your leader."

30. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to the Dark Lord either.

31. Lord Voldemort's orders do not need to be approved by a 2/3 majority.

32. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

33. I am not allowed to give Lord Voldemort "That infernal muggle book that was written by disgustingly weak minded fool." also titled 'The Art of War' for Christmas because I though he could use a hand.

34. I am not allowed to send the Dark Lord a jar of Vaseline for his birthday because I thought he could use a hand.

35. I am not allowed to break into the ministries' records to find out classified information about "the sweet and absolutely gorgeous Head Boy, Tom Riddle, from 1949."

36. I must not wear a gimp mask when on raids.

37. The entry to the Dark Lord's base is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You do not need to see my Dark Mark, these are not the droids you are looking for."

38. I am not allowed to decorate my Dark Mark and call it 'pretty'.

39. I am not allowed to create a secondary source of income in the Dark Base called "Pimp my Mark ®".

40. I am no longer allowed to claim that the reason for my being late to a meeting was because I had to take another call on my Dark Mark.

41. I may not 'call block' the Dark Lord on my Dark Mark.

42. If the thought of something makes me giggle for more than 10 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

43. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

44. I am not a more suitable host body for the Dark Lord.

45. I may not start up a strip club using freshly killed inferni called "Dead Gorgeous"

46. A smiley face is not used above a hit site instead of the Dark Mark, even if it creeps people out more.

47. The vampire's wine goblets are not filled with expensive extra alcoholic wines, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers they are.

48. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on my wand in battle.

49. Inferni are not entitled to burial with full Dark Side honors, even if they are "casualties of war."

50. Should not taunt members of the ministry, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and the Minister of Magic and his Undersecretary.

51. I cannot trade Lucius Malfoy in the slave markets.

52. I am not allowed to trade Draco Malfoy in the slave markets and then buy him back as a sex slave, even if he doesn't mind.

53. I should not speculate on the penis size of the Dark Lord, even if I do believe he'll strongly resemble a snake.

54. Burn pits for the large amount of decaying inferni are not revel fires, therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

55. I should not teach other Death Eaters to say crude and offensive things in Gobbledegook, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

56. The 'sonorus' charm is not a forum to voice my ideas.

57. The 'Sonorus' charm is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

58. I am not allowed to create a Book of Passion, in which I write down love matches I will make and how I will go about it.

59. I will not turn those words into actions.

60. Even if I had a lovely and voluptuous young woman set up for Lord Voldemort. Tyrants don't have equals, they have sex slaves.

61. I am not a tyrant.

62. Shouting "Let's do the village! Let's do the whole fucking village!" while out on a mission is bad. Some Death Eaters don't like me stealing their ideas.

63. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove "The pen is mightier than the sword," in terms of striking fear into the civilians.

64. Putting red cordial into one of Snape's carefully labeled 'Draught of Living Death' vials, and then drinking it is not funny.

65. The following items and places do not exist: The Graveyard of Memories, The Pyramids of Furmat, The Pillar of Storgé, The Toenail of Icklibôgg, The Green Flame Torch, Fortress of Shadows or the Mountain of Fantasy.

66. I should not assign newbies to "guard the dragons".

67. When detained by young, ravishing and definitely masculine Aurors, I do not have a right to a strip search.

68. I am no longer allowed to make House-Elves "Prisoners of War."

69. I am not allowed to body check the Vampires, especially since they wickedly like to return the favour in the middle of the Entrance, leaving me as a weak and smouldering heap.

70. I am not allowed to invite said vampires to my room later to hone their technique of seduction.

71. Teaching the giants to taunt other soldiers is not nice.

72. We do not "charge into battle, naked, like the Spartans."

73. Must not taunt Death Eaters in the throes of Dark Magic withdrawal, with the unforgivable.

74. Must not change the Dark Lord's best men's showers to spurt out melted chocolate instead of water.

75. Must not join the Dark Lord's best men in the showers and help them remove all the chocolate, it distracts them for the rest of the day.

76. I am not allowed to give "Erotica Marks".

78. Rodolphus Lestrange is not interested in why I "just happen" to have a bungee rope, a graffiti can of spray paint, incriminating photos of Dumbledore, a bazooka and a can of whipped cream in my robe.

79. Must not valiantly push Newbies in front of Avada Kedavras to save the 'team'.

80. Not allowed to get killed.

81. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of muggle men that I am an angel sent from heaven to ravish them for their eternal loyalty.

82. Must not make T-shirts up saying on the front "I don't kill babies" with "They kill me" on the back, as propaganda.

83. Do not ask Lord Voldemort to sign my copy of "So, You've Decided to Be Evil," by Evadne.

84. I am no longer allowed to ask the Dark Lord to sign my copy of "So, Your Man's Got a Snake." From the Adult store in Knockturn.

85. Do not convince Newbies that their pimples are the result of microscopic parasites that drain their magic until they're muggle.

86. I am no longer allowed to tell the 'goodies', "Come to the Dark side, we have cookies."

87. When our sorority is 'in a pickle' and I am asked what we will do, the correct response is "retreat" not "Same thing we always do. Fight 'em 'til we can't."

88. I am no longer allowed to refer to my team as 'sorority'.

89. There is no frakking handbook that comes with being a Death Eater. No, because that would just be too logical wouldn't it.

90. I am no longer allowed to be fired, kicked out, threatened, maimed or assassinated because....

91. I am no longer allowed to reveal secrets that I have been forbidden from telling anyone.

92. I am no longer allowed to join the explosion squad.

94. I am no longer allowed to 'watch the world burn'.

95. I am not allowed to kill The Batman (a.k.a. Snape)

96. Don't play games with The Batman. (a.k.a. Snape)

97. I am not, never have, never will be, the Joker.


End file.
